It’s my turn. Surely it’s my turn now. I feel I’ve got so much but nothing at the same time. No amount of substances will make me feel like they do. I want to experience it with my peers, I want to experience my peers. I want to make friends and I want to be as great as you are. We’ve grown apart so much, then again we were never close friends. Now you’re my dealer. All the friends you have, all the posts you post. All the joy around you. I wish for. Maybe one day I’ll be able to enjoy life with peers but today can’t seem to be it. I can’t see it being IT even for years to come. I envy what you have. I feel I waste every opportunity I get at making friends because I enjoy my own sorrow too much. I isolate from my own peers and then feel loneliness like no other. If I didn’t start taking it, if I just stayed sober, I would have had a lot more people around me. They pretend they don’t notice, and maybe they don’t, I don’t know anymore but i feel so alone and unlikable. I had nowhere, no one to speak this to so I hope this reaches someone that can relate somehow. It seems everyone is actively participating in life, while I’m just watching it pass by. No matter how hard I try, the end result is me falling. I’ve grown to like falling, it feels familiar, almost feel a sense of relief when I’m back there because I knew it was going to happen, but then realisation hits me and I remember, I remember I’m alone again. Horrid thing is, I can’t change. We can’t change, not forever anyway